Talking Shite

Greetings one and all, and let me start by thanking the monks’ for sharing their xmas menus with me. Team players, one and all. In the same amount of time i have eaten no turkey, no roasties, no parsnips, in fact for 48 hours now i have eaten nothing whatsoever – a personal best (by some distance). However i have managed to wash 48 litres of diluted coffee round my arse… more of which later.

 I should tell you something about this lovely place to kick off. It’s a beautiful beach side spot, complete with all the trappings you’d expect from a luxury spa. Herbal steam rooms, pool as well as the sea, yoga, pilates, meditation, and a dozen different types of thai massage - everything the modern metrosexual needs all surrounded by beautiful wild flowers and forested hilltops. there is even a restaurant which is rated by tatler as one of the best 50 in the world… which is either truly ironic or a deed of sadistic design given half the guests are fasting.

you’ll be pleased to hear that i am coping rather well so far, although troubled waters(!) may only be round the corner. the lack of food is actually fine, you drink a special detox drink 5 x a day which takes the edge of the appetite by fooling your belly into thinking that you’re full. having said that, i’ve never been a man who needs to be hungry to want to eat, so i have still been sorely tempted by the whafts of garlic, coreander, limes and chili that emanate from the kitchens. i keep reminding myself i am playing for a bigger prize this time.

and so onto the main event- the colonics. at this point anyone reading who might have a future interest in having sex with me should stop reading –  really, it’ll be best for both of us.

thankfully i seem to be a natural when it comes to the technique of self-administering.. fortunate given what others have mentioned… ‘lots of water in, and none came out – pain!’… or ‘it’s like krakatoa in there’.. From the first i’ve managed the mechanics fine. Having said that, it’s a strange old experience and one that i’m not yet accustomed to. even as i sit here typing, i’ve got a sensation of leaking water … bad enough to have stopped to have a quick check. happily tho all appears to be dry, but no sudden laughter is the order of the day i suspect.

As for what emerges… dear god. and i’m only on day 2! i’ll spare you the gory details but take it from me, this is not normal, natural, or in anyway desirable. green. mucus. do you need more? even in this i am blessed compared to some fellow fasters, one of whom has had to eyeball a couple of hefty tapeworms – like fettucine by all accounts. it’s a truly distressing thought.

you’ll have gathered by now that the people here are very happy to share stories of all kinds. there is a good friendly bunch of people tho’, and a bit of team bonding going on which is always nice. Louisa- if you are reading there are even a gaggle of north london jewish princesses in residence, you really would feel right at home.

Trust this finds you all well, and (watch me effortlessly assume the high ground now) feeling lardy, pasty and depressed by over-exposure to family. well i may have a leaky arse, but i’m thankfully none of those.  all is going swimmingly in fact and i’m thoroughly enjoying my growing sense of virtue. expect me to fully exploit this for some time to come please.

love to all & more in a couple of days..

robin